Why are you applying for this job?

The following are answers to that humiliating employment question that we’ve all wanted to put on a job application. They are quoted from my old radio show and Journal of the Silent Majority.

I am applying for this job because starvation is not an option.

I am applying for this job at Fast Times Liquors because I am an alcoholic and I desperately need your health care benefits and company discount.

I am applying for this job because my name is Hannibal and I could not get a job in my chosen field of daycare management.

I am applying for this job at World Plastics because my friend, Joe Frankelstein, who works here, said you have the most benefits, the best pay, and have to do almost nothing to get them.

I am applying for this job because I’ve always wanted the chance to be rewarded by having my own “employee of the month” parking spot just like the Geico lizard.

I am applying for this job because I want to make a lot of money so that I can have my own business and hire a loser like you to ask the dumbest questions I’ve ever heard.

I am applying for this job because my old job was outsourced by an ascetic from the Lago Tribe of the lower Amazon who was apparently more ascetic than me.

I am applying for this job because I’ve heard your retirement option at 85 is the best in the country.

I am applying for this job because I am a masochist and love the public humiliation of asking for a minimum wage job. 

I am applying for this job at Hillsdale Medical Center because I’m running out of body parts to sell.

I am applying for this job because I have been an independent wine taster at 12th and Troost for 30 years and I am ready to make a higher commitment to the wine and spirits industry.

I am applying for this job at the Tip Top Modeling Agency because my probation officer said it would be a good way to meet chicks.

I am applying for this job because I, like Clark Griswold, have always wanted to be in the food preservative business.

I am applying for this job because I’m a corporate spy trying to learn more about your company.